CDC issues public health advisory for Illinois residents

The Center of Disease Control in Atlanta has issued a public health advisory for all 12,880,580 Illinois residents. A virulent new strain of virus has been reeking havoc on them. The CDC has named it the RRV, short for Rauner Retro Virus, after the first resident who came down with it. Apparently, the virus attacks the soul of the sufferer rather than the physical body. In its first victim it produced hallucinations which led the the self made billionaire to spend $27 million of his fabulous wealth to buy the Illinois governorship in order to implement a delusional economic agenda he promised would turn Illinois into an economic nirvana. It consisted of cutting funding, tossing cash strapped students off campus; ending many social welfare programs for the most vulnerable, including day care so poor women could actually work to support their families. It demanded a reduction in the Illinois minimum wage to the even further federal poverty level, and demanding state workers and union members give back some of their barely adequate middle class wages to entice more billionaires to invest in Illinois. All small businesses serving the state are given R.B.'s instead of cash. These are known as Rauner Bucks.

A milder form of RRV afflicted a staggering total of 1,823,627 Illinoisans who became hypnotized by its most virulent sufferer, elevating him to the governorship in 2014. There is no known cure for its namesake. Those afflicted with the milder form are being treated with truth, moral clarity and a smidgen of humor. Alas, it will not be known if their cure is effective till November 6, 2018.