246 year old expires: Looks like we did it

The body of a 246 year old, affectionately known as Uncle Sam, was found on Capitol Hill in Washington DC today. Crime Scene Investigators placed police tape around the body believing foul play was involved.

Given his age, Uncle Sam showed signs of extreme elder abuse. Most of his assets had been siphoned off to engorge the money belts of the very rich, and fund criminal wars that have killed hundreds of thousands. His eyes had been taped shut to prevent him from seeing the irreversible damage being done to the environment. His ears were plugged to ward off cries of millions of women being shunted from the finest medical facilities in the world to back alleys to get the most personal medical care they would ever seek. His jaw was wired shut to muffle his screams for help to protect little kids being slaughtered in his schools. His arteries - the highways and bridges that carried the commerce so vital to his economic well-being - were clogged and crumbling, not from old age but from senseless neglect. His cholesterol level had topped 30 trillion.

Members of one party responsible for his well-being were seen imbibing a toxic orange brew of hate, sophistry and sedition that drove them into a frenzy of unprecedented meanness towards their benevolent Uncle. As they danced around the corpse they were heard chanting: "Government is not the solution, government is the problem”… and “Stop the Steal".

Police broke up the mob but made no arrests.